People who like Mayo will be alone forever.

This blog isn’t about one particular restaurant, but it’s about things I am obsessed with and things that are solely for fatasses. Now, if you’ve met me, you know I’m no rail…baby got back and baby got front, but baby don’t like mayonnaise. Mayo is for fatties and people who like to eat steroids like Jelly Bellies. It’s simply gross. I’m not going to go in to detail about what it looks like sitting in a jar, but it’s sick. BUT, if something is called Aioli, aka mayonnaise with lemon, garlic, basil or any other addition, it is not only acceptable to eat, but downright classy and a nice addition to a sandy. However, if you are going to put a condiment on your sandwhich, I recommend any of the cream cheese spreads from Eatzi’s. Secondly, Twinkies.

  On their website, Hostess boasts that Twinkies have been “Tingling Tastebuds for over 80 years.” More like contributing to childhood obesity and low self esteem. Congrats, Hostess, not only have you made a classless fat treat, but you have gone above and beyond chunky on your website with Twinkie recipes…aka http://www.hostesscakes.com/recipes/show/17/ (Twinkie Cheesecakes—something a Houstonian would probably serve at their wedding). Sidenote—twinkies look like corn dogs that have mayo for filling (also, I hate corn dogs).

Things that rule:

Baby Goldfish: Taste the exact same as goldfish, but anything mini makes you feel like a giant, and therefore they are awesome.

Sour Jolly Rancher Gummies: Because I’m sick of Sour Patch Kids and they are sour-er than everything else.

Zebra Cakes: The only product Hostess got right.

Eatzi’s in general: (unless a cashier asks if you are expecting…No, bitch, it’s just a flowy top and my face is swollen, but thanks for boosting my self esteem as I purchase my Breakfast Burrito)

CPK: Who cares that it’s a chain. It is delicious. Although last time I picked up a to go order for two the bill was over $50. Low point.

Sausage on a stick: This man has class that I long for...

E-trade commercials: Makes me want to invest with a toddler.

DFW

Things that suck:

Corn dogs: Sausage on a stick is way tastier and carb free! Also, not butch at all.

Mayonaise: Unless it has a refined French name like Aioli.

Houston

Twinkies

Arbys

What I really want to rave about though is the commercial that got me a little to excited last night…CHICK FIL A IS COMING OUT WITH SPICY VERSIONS OF THEIR CHICKEN! Honestly this is the best news I have gotten all year. Like ya, I was happy when my sister had a baby or when I got a job, but this takes the cake. Chick fil A’s only mistake is not being open on Sundays. 

DALLAS 

RULZ