dive. (the restaurant, not the fancy swimming trick I've yet to master)

While most people would probably think from the topics of this blog that I am a lardo pushing 250 strolling around in a Rascal scooter, I actually enjoy the occasional "healthy" meal. Unless I'm hungover or hangry (hungry + angry), I tend to try and eat healthy during the week. This is not to be skinny (Lord knows I aint), it's so that I can binge without guilt every. single. weekend. So, after pilates yesterday (shoutout to The Pilates Barre, the best workout place in Dallas), my sister and I decided to walk over to Dive in Snider Plaza.

Dive has been open for about a year, and I've eaten there several times, but I hadn't found the one item that I would order every day. Until yesterday. Sweet mother of all turkey burgers, this one is the shiz. Below is the description, taken from their website. Please note: it says "aioli", aka I can eat it (on the side) and not think that I'm eating sickass mayo. The burger isn't in the shape of a regular burg, it is on a ciabatta loaf that tastes likes buttery heaven. There are grilled onions on top, and red onions mixed into the meat.  Had I been alone, I probably would have cried b/c it was so tasty. (I don't cry in public, and don't believe in human emotions).

SOUTH BEACH TURKEY BURGER ^$12

Sriracha aioli, smashed avocado, romaine lettuce, grilled onion, tomato & jack cheese - on a ciabatta bun

Lauren got the ahi sliders, which are almost as delicious, but for realz, the turkey burger made me consider giving up regular cheeseburgers. For like a week at least. The sandys come with plantain chips, which at first sicked me out, because I thought they would taste like bananas, but they don't. They taste like potato chips and are scrumptious. Go to Dive now. Get a turkey burger (and some hummus w/ extra crispy crackers). You won't regret it.

AHI TUNA SLIDERS ^$13

Seared ahi tuna burger, arugula, avocado, tomato, red onion & garlic aioli on a ciabatta bun

Now for the good stuff... You know how in every People/US weekly they always have a celebrity expose what is in their purse. Well, since no one, ever, has asked what's in mine, I figure you all must be DYING to know. Please note: in order to give full disclosure, nothing was added or removed from my purse. Although I'm sure after this, I will wish it had.

What the Beast looks like from an overhead view.

Alright, here we go...

THE SHAMEEEEEEEEEE

-the usual suspects, keys, gum, eyeliner (for the occasional Madonna fake mole, not for eyes)

-orange iPod (hook 'em!)

-Parigi receipt (go there now)

-Hollywood tape

-Great American hero receipt

-mascara

-assorted jewlery, mostly only one half of an earring set

-5 Shockers (formerly Shock Tarts) rolls. You can NEVER have enough Shock Tarts. 

-Special K bar (cause a fatty gotta eat somethin gud)

-wallet
-generic adderall XR aka amphetimine salts (see, I'm not a Parkie who's into labels) 

-sunglasses case (would love to know where the sunglasses that go in it are)

-contact case (I'm blind)

-Flashlight (I'm secretly into being the female Inspector Gadget, I look fabulous in a beige trench-coat)

-And lastly, a spoon. Don't judge.

I know you're judging....

Until next time, peace, love, and shockers (y'all are all sick).

Caroline 

Roadhouses (Tillman’s and otherwise)**

Simply put, Tillman’s Roadhouse is the shit. Awesome atmosphere. Awesome food. Awesome wait staff. Before I get in to the stories/food details, let me just list what all our lardass table ate.

They bring you out truffled popcorn and peanuts to start (A-MAZE-ING) then Todd sent us over two starters:

1) Trio of Fries: parmesean black pepper Kennebec fries, chili dusted purple Peruvian fries, and smoked salt scented sweet potato fries, served with homemade spicy ketchup and horseradish pickle mayo (of course I decided it wasn’t mayo, it was aioli, so I tried it).

2) Fried housemade bread and butter pickle cup with spicy brown butter

Then, we ordered, and all went really, really light......

1) Me: Chicken fried hanger steak with garlic whipped potatoes; bacon braised green beans and charred poblano gravy.

2) Crawford: Grilled PGA beef ribeye with truffled goat cheese tator tots. (Not as good as everyone elses…Should’ve ordered the Venison Frito Pie idiot.)

3) Dad: Chipotle BBQ smoked pork ribs with white cheddar mac-n-cheese. (They were amazing and he gave me a bite and tricked me in to eating a piece that was only fat…I wasn’t upset)

4) Megan: Off the Hook special (WEAK ORDER): Some striped sea bass with veggies. Almost made her leave the table. (Don’t go to dinner with our family and order non red-meat or pork. It’s just mean). Actually, its prob against her religion or something in her culture to eat meat.

5) Lauren: The Landy Burger—sirloin foie gras burger with Madiera aiolo, arugula, goats milk gouda cheese on a house baked Kaiser bun and goat cheese tator tots. (I think she ordered it saying “I’ll have the lady burger thinking she was sounding skinny”—sorry La, fail.)

6) Josh: same as me

7) Me again: Side of white cheddar mac-n-cheese (STOP JUDGING IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY)

So—we dove in, and ordered our 3rd and 4th bottles of wine, and everyone was in awe. The chicken fried steak was the most fat, delicious thing I have ever eaten (and I have eaten a lot of fat, delicious things), and I quickly scarfed down my mashed potatoes before anyone got a chance to try them. Seriously, it was 5 of my favorite nouns/adjectives on a plate: BACON, potatoes, FRIED, steak and GARLIC. Oh, and my number 1 favorite thing: gravy. Sweet Jesus I just sounded like that fat girl Nikki Blonsky (Tracy Turnblad) from Hairspray (and now the “star” of the ABC Family original series, Huge). Sidenote: Nikki Blonsky is Hungry and Mad

       Everyone enjoyed their meals—how could you not, the main ingredients were butter and red meat…seriously, my dream come true. Once we all were drunk on red meat and wine, we decided that we would be kidding ourselves if we didn’t order dessert…Little did I know, my starving sidekick Lauren had already ordered the Tableside S’mores and the Cookie tower…Please listen to these descriptions, they don’t even do the desserts justice..
S’mores Tableside: Orange, maple and coffee marshmallows, cinnamon grahams, dark chocolate bark.. (The bring you your own tableside fire and skewers and you get to do it yourself! Legit, and lots of fire.

And then Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chip cookie tower with banana ice cream, chocolate icing, and chocolate sauce.
After we finished, the worlds most uncomfortable/akward/sexually inappropriate convo took place. Let’s just say my dad and boyfriend are going into business together and leave it at that. If you weren’t there then ask someone, it was amazing. **


GO TO TILLMAN’S. It is delicious. Don’t eat all day then go, and have zero shame. They also have games to play while you wait…

Solid food blogging group...
(minus the ending "Roadhouse convo and exiting problems)

CFA Spicy Chicken Sandwhich Should Be It's Own Food Group.

I spent all day yesterday getting mentally prepared. At one point (after I had opened a bottle of wine by myself) I found myself standing in front of my bathroom mirror psyching myself out. On previous posts I had thought I’d hit a low point, but 2 glasses deep in cabernet, standing alone in my bathroom contemplating a speech TAKES THE CAKE. So I decided to pick out my outfit for what will probably be the most important day of my life (Screw babies and marriage—I get to go to a special presentation for a sandwich.) I decided to go with leopard print, so that the cows would immediately think of me as their animal friend and offer me free hugs/food. I got both. Double Score.

Cows Love Their Own...

So, at about 10:55 this morning, Lauren and I got on Central and bee-lined it for The Richards Group. We arrived and much to our surprise, the joint had VALET PARKING. We were greeted by that magical Chick-Fil-A cow and a greeter inside and ushered up to the 11th floor. Stepping out of the elevator, Lauren and I looked like fat fourth graders that had gotten off on the wrong floor. Pretty much everyone there was an adult, give or take 5 people. We checked in under “Dining in Dallas Blog” and took what can only be described as the most unfortunate looking photo in the world. The cow grabbed us and they managed to snap a photo of what appears to be a fat black woman and her 7 year old kid. Woof. Anyways, we were given “Media Pass” nametags and went on our way to get our Lemonade. Best lemonade in the world (besides Eatzi’s pomegranate lemonade). We were told to mingle until the presenters were ready to give their speech, so we did and took dorky photos like we were Asians at the capitol.

The presentation lasted about 10 minutes and then we were able to TAKE THE FIRST BITE. In unison. So imagine a bunch of middle-aged, salivating patrons, elbows up to the tables, diving in to the spicy abyss that was the sandwich. Silence. Then the murmurs grew, and all Lauren and I could contribute was creepy eye contact with each other as we ravaged the sandwiches.

The best fast food spicy chicken sandwich that I had ever tasted before this was Wendy’s. We all know it’s legit, and awesome w/ their bbq sauce. Well, F off Wendy’s, there’s a new Sandwich in town, and it kicks ass. The Chick-fil-a sandwich has the spicy sauce on the outside of the chicken, then is fried, so there is no mess, and no sauce needed. And I am a saucer. Even the plain sandy requires some Polynesian sauce, but this one needs nothing. Except maybe another patty (oink). It’s spicy enough to make you need a drink and they were there to offer refills on lemonade and tea. Overall, probably one of my fattest Field Trips ever, but completely worth it. I might be on the news since I looked up at one point and there was a WFAA news camera in my face as I was shoving the creation in…Please don’t judge, you wouldn’t have stopped eating this thing even if Beyonce walked in the room.

The next step for chick-fil-a will be to make this sandwich translate across the board, because I would not mind diving in to some spicy chicken fingers on a lazy Saturday.

They gave us chips instead of fries--only downside.

The best decision I have made this year was to write this fatass blog. Hopefully it will bring more invites, free stuff and a movie deal (because everyone wants to sit in a theater and watch some random eat for 2 hours). If everything goes my way, in 5 years I will be hosting my own TV show that will be a mix between DDD, Wipeout, and Man v. Food.

The invitation

This poor cow got hot and had to sit down on the bench outside...I feel ya buddy. BEEN THERE

my fellow taster/little sister

THANK YOU JOANNA!!!

Pizza and Bengal Cats

 

I’ve been craving Pizza since I got the big news for a while. And not like Dominos or some chain pizza, but legit Dallas Pizza. And since I know someone who likes to HATE on Dallas all the time, I decided that I would introduce him to some of the finer things our wonderful city has to offer (besides me, duh).    So, I got online and Googled “Dallas’ Best Pizza” and decided to go with Guidespot.com’s 3^rd favorite pick, Pizza by Marco. Sad story—I just typed in “Dallas B—“ and it filled in the rest for me. I hate that Google knows I’m slightly overweight and have a fetish for pizza.  Located in the Preston Royal shopping center, this little joint is easy to miss, since it has a tiny sign and is in the corner. I got online and was able to order my pizza there, which is always nice, since most pizza order takers manage to royally F up every order I place. So I ordered us a medium pepperoni  (always gotta get something with pep, it’s a standard) and the Milano Chicken Alfredo Pizza, a light choice that features Alfredo Sauce, Chicken, Mushroom, Fresh Garlic and Parmesan. Hefty, cheesy and LEGIT. Lets be honest—with pizza I am usually full by the second slice, but I managed to wolf down 4 slices before even diving in to my I Heart Yogurt dessert. So, the pizza comes on crispy thin crust, some of it is burned a little and has flour dust on the bottom, which is always good in my book, because then you know it was cooked in a wood oven. The pepperoni was just average, I really like to order pepperoni, mushroom and jalapeño, (yes, that is an enyay) but some idiot is sick of the last two ingredients so I had to just order plain pep. So, we ordered the pizza around 7:30 and picked it up 30 minutes later. I walked in to the restaurant and saw my sick sad future: A girl was eating with what looked like her mother, and was sitting on two chairs. I literally saw my future 2 20 years from now. Me and my mom grabbin a slice on Thursday night while my Dad cat-sits for me. Long story short—Pizza by Marco is the shit, and when I can take a break from shopping online for Bengal Cats I will start making “Best Of” lists for D-town, and P by M will most definitely be on it. 

Pizza By Marco's Website

 

More about Bengal Cats. They are the shit. They look like tigers/cheetahs but only weigh around 25-30 lbs (how much my actual cat weighs). I am considering putting a paypal donation link on this site so that all you wannabe fatties can donate monies so I can buy this $2,000 playmate. When I eventually get dumped b/c I am too open with my fatass-ness, this guy is my next conquest. What a babe. Plus, he has a Bengal.

Best of...

By Christmas I hope to compile a "Best of List." Unless my pants get wayyy too tight (well, any tighter than they already are, damn you summer snacking), I plan on sampling the best of what Dallas has to offer. If anyone has any places that are "must try's," let me know. I will try anything. Unless it's salmon. I hate salmon. Salmon is cat food, and while I respect my cat (it's hard not to respect/fear an animal that weighs twice what it is supposed to and could possibly devour you in one sitting), I will not eat it. I do not meow, am not covered in fur, and no longer have a tail, thus, salmon is not in my diet. Below is a list of categories, feel free to suggest more.

pizza, queso, guac, salsa, brunch, hungover place, grilled cheese, grilled chicken sandwhich, turkey sandy, "fast food," french fries, onion rings, cheeseburgers (emphasis on the cheese--people who eat plain hamburgers are weak), hummus, any sort of dips, homemade chips, tortillas, pasta dish, salad, tortilla soups....and so on.
(Side note: Just had to go look in the mirror to see if I had developed a second chin just by writing that. Guess I will have to start two-a-days to balance out the food intake.)

on the easier flowing side of things, here are a few libations I'd like to sample...
Vodka Martini (gin makes people mean) sans olives **on my first few dates I ordered "dirty martini extra dirty" because I thought it was cool (I was 19 and it looks cool when the hot girl in the movies order them), but making a face like you just drank alien sweat or actually spitting your drink into the glass=very UNcool.**, margarita (frozen and on the rocks, none of that mango crap), best wine list for post-college grads, champagne cocktails, mojitos (I hate rum, but I just really want to be cool), best beer on tap (for girls), best specialty drinks, etc.

So...if you have any suggestions, post them, email me, whatever. I will try it. Note-please don't send me to places where I could get shot unless I have someone far less important with me to use as a shield. Thank you.