Pizza and Bengal Cats

 

I’ve been craving Pizza since I got the big news for a while. And not like Dominos or some chain pizza, but legit Dallas Pizza. And since I know someone who likes to HATE on Dallas all the time, I decided that I would introduce him to some of the finer things our wonderful city has to offer (besides me, duh).    So, I got online and Googled “Dallas’ Best Pizza” and decided to go with Guidespot.com’s 3^rd favorite pick, Pizza by Marco. Sad story—I just typed in “Dallas B—“ and it filled in the rest for me. I hate that Google knows I’m slightly overweight and have a fetish for pizza.  Located in the Preston Royal shopping center, this little joint is easy to miss, since it has a tiny sign and is in the corner. I got online and was able to order my pizza there, which is always nice, since most pizza order takers manage to royally F up every order I place. So I ordered us a medium pepperoni  (always gotta get something with pep, it’s a standard) and the Milano Chicken Alfredo Pizza, a light choice that features Alfredo Sauce, Chicken, Mushroom, Fresh Garlic and Parmesan. Hefty, cheesy and LEGIT. Lets be honest—with pizza I am usually full by the second slice, but I managed to wolf down 4 slices before even diving in to my I Heart Yogurt dessert. So, the pizza comes on crispy thin crust, some of it is burned a little and has flour dust on the bottom, which is always good in my book, because then you know it was cooked in a wood oven. The pepperoni was just average, I really like to order pepperoni, mushroom and jalapeño, (yes, that is an enyay) but some idiot is sick of the last two ingredients so I had to just order plain pep. So, we ordered the pizza around 7:30 and picked it up 30 minutes later. I walked in to the restaurant and saw my sick sad future: A girl was eating with what looked like her mother, and was sitting on two chairs. I literally saw my future 2 20 years from now. Me and my mom grabbin a slice on Thursday night while my Dad cat-sits for me. Long story short—Pizza by Marco is the shit, and when I can take a break from shopping online for Bengal Cats I will start making “Best Of” lists for D-town, and P by M will most definitely be on it. 

Pizza By Marco's Website

 

More about Bengal Cats. They are the shit. They look like tigers/cheetahs but only weigh around 25-30 lbs (how much my actual cat weighs). I am considering putting a paypal donation link on this site so that all you wannabe fatties can donate monies so I can buy this $2,000 playmate. When I eventually get dumped b/c I am too open with my fatass-ness, this guy is my next conquest. What a babe. Plus, he has a Bengal.

Chubby Chatter...Chick-Fil-A

      I have successfully landed every slightly overweight, sometimes lonely girl/boy's dream. On June 2, I will be attending a media testing for the Chick-Fil-A Spicy Chicken Sandwhich at the Richards group. 5 days before you Plebians get to try what I can only imagine is like sex on a bun with two pickles, I will be lining up to sample the treat during a work day. The tentative invite says it is from 11-1, so of course my chubbo brain is hoping that they will have some type of Man vs. Food challenge that I can enter and see if I could non-stop eat spicy chicken sandys for two hours. I bet I could average about a sandwhich every 8 mins, which is a total of 15 sandys (6,750 cals, 255 grams of fat). Just your average daily snack binge. Or at least my average calorie/fat intake on a Sunday. Anyways, I'm sure I will only get one, but I will for sure line my pockets/purse/fanny pack with foil to keep any sandwhiches that are left warm til I can share the wealth. Anyways, my Beefy Biography is sure to continue, especially since I will be getting my photo taken with a celeb (the chick-fil-a cow). The official countdown til the public release of the Worlds 2nd Greatest Idea (the first being the TI-83+ calculator that you could use to cheat and play games with in high school), is 19 Days, 10 hrs, 6 minutes. But suck it, average Joes, because I try it in 14.

P.S. Should I buy some Chick-Fil-A gear? I do look good in ball caps... Chick-Fil-A Gear

People who like Mayo will be alone forever.

This blog isn’t about one particular restaurant, but it’s about things I am obsessed with and things that are solely for fatasses. Now, if you’ve met me, you know I’m no rail…baby got back and baby got front, but baby don’t like mayonnaise. Mayo is for fatties and people who like to eat steroids like Jelly Bellies. It’s simply gross. I’m not going to go in to detail about what it looks like sitting in a jar, but it’s sick. BUT, if something is called Aioli, aka mayonnaise with lemon, garlic, basil or any other addition, it is not only acceptable to eat, but downright classy and a nice addition to a sandy. However, if you are going to put a condiment on your sandwhich, I recommend any of the cream cheese spreads from Eatzi’s. Secondly, Twinkies.

  On their website, Hostess boasts that Twinkies have been “Tingling Tastebuds for over 80 years.” More like contributing to childhood obesity and low self esteem. Congrats, Hostess, not only have you made a classless fat treat, but you have gone above and beyond chunky on your website with Twinkie recipes…aka http://www.hostesscakes.com/recipes/show/17/ (Twinkie Cheesecakes—something a Houstonian would probably serve at their wedding). Sidenote—twinkies look like corn dogs that have mayo for filling (also, I hate corn dogs).

Things that rule:

Baby Goldfish: Taste the exact same as goldfish, but anything mini makes you feel like a giant, and therefore they are awesome.

Sour Jolly Rancher Gummies: Because I’m sick of Sour Patch Kids and they are sour-er than everything else.

Zebra Cakes: The only product Hostess got right.

Eatzi’s in general: (unless a cashier asks if you are expecting…No, bitch, it’s just a flowy top and my face is swollen, but thanks for boosting my self esteem as I purchase my Breakfast Burrito)

CPK: Who cares that it’s a chain. It is delicious. Although last time I picked up a to go order for two the bill was over $50. Low point.

Sausage on a stick: This man has class that I long for...

E-trade commercials: Makes me want to invest with a toddler.

DFW

Things that suck:

Corn dogs: Sausage on a stick is way tastier and carb free! Also, not butch at all.

Mayonaise: Unless it has a refined French name like Aioli.

Houston

Twinkies

Arbys

What I really want to rave about though is the commercial that got me a little to excited last night…CHICK FIL A IS COMING OUT WITH SPICY VERSIONS OF THEIR CHICKEN! Honestly this is the best news I have gotten all year. Like ya, I was happy when my sister had a baby or when I got a job, but this takes the cake. Chick fil A’s only mistake is not being open on Sundays. 

DALLAS 

RULZ

Herrera's and Daytime Porn

Nothing says good Mexican food like a man sitting spread eagle wearing a sombrero on the front of your menu.

Where can you go for this cartoon porn-like picture? Herrera’s on Maple. Sandwhiched between the Old Parkland Hospital (now taken over by Trammel Crow) and Sunshine Cleaners, Herrera’s basically barely peeks out between the legs of Northwest Maple. If you can find a parking spot (there is a lot behind the building and 3 spots in front) you are in luck. Unfortunately, most of the people who frequent Herrera’s can’t seem to keep their el Camino’s in between the lines of the average parking space. Anyways, when you walk in, keep walking past the idiots who can’t comprehend the giant sign that says “SEAT YOURSELVES” and take a seat. You will be greeted by a friendly waiter wearing a shirt that says “I've bean to Herrera’s (the bean is actually a refried bean, creative). They bring ample salsa to compliment the greasy chips. We went with the entire office (my family) so my boss (dad) ordered 5 million orders of nachos, guac, and queso.

Apparently slipping in to a food coma makes us ideal workers. Herrera’s nachos suck, and I don’t understand why anyone orders them, or why I eat them EVERY SINGLE TIME. They are straight up melted cheese/grease puddle on top of chips (see below photo)

Nachos...aka I stained my favorite shirt trying to eat one

Then I feel like shit about eating the greasiness and have to start thinking about an order. Here is one side of the menu…

ANXIETY

Just order the fajitas…its way easier and they are the most legit fajitas in Dallas. But, if you feel like really immersing yourself in the Mexican culture, I suggest you order a meal after the most popular Mexican names such as:
Dee Ann: 2 Beef Burritos topped with Chili and Sour Cream (Woof Dee Ann, how embarrassing to have that named after you)

Julius: Such a common Mexican name, and also Herrera’s way of saying Flautas.

Rupert: Everyone’s favorite Gay Tejano, this dish includes enchiladas and tostadas.

My other favorites include Selena (an actual Mexican name, RIP GIRL), Nora, Mellissa, Mom, and Denise. All in all the food is pretty legit, super greasy but awesome for a hangover. They also just got their liquor license, so we are pretty pumped about having to navigate that parking lot after a few margaritas.

 Now not only do I have the urge to watch Selena, I think Yolanda Saldivar should be punished by making her watch Maid in Manhattan and Gigli over and over again with no Spanish subtitles. If you don't know who Yolanda Saldivar is then get a life (or just google "who killed Selena").