dive. (the restaurant, not the fancy swimming trick I've yet to master)

While most people would probably think from the topics of this blog that I am a lardo pushing 250 strolling around in a Rascal scooter, I actually enjoy the occasional "healthy" meal. Unless I'm hungover or hangry (hungry + angry), I tend to try and eat healthy during the week. This is not to be skinny (Lord knows I aint), it's so that I can binge without guilt every. single. weekend. So, after pilates yesterday (shoutout to The Pilates Barre, the best workout place in Dallas), my sister and I decided to walk over to Dive in Snider Plaza.

Dive has been open for about a year, and I've eaten there several times, but I hadn't found the one item that I would order every day. Until yesterday. Sweet mother of all turkey burgers, this one is the shiz. Below is the description, taken from their website. Please note: it says "aioli", aka I can eat it (on the side) and not think that I'm eating sickass mayo. The burger isn't in the shape of a regular burg, it is on a ciabatta loaf that tastes likes buttery heaven. There are grilled onions on top, and red onions mixed into the meat.  Had I been alone, I probably would have cried b/c it was so tasty. (I don't cry in public, and don't believe in human emotions).

SOUTH BEACH TURKEY BURGER ^$12

Sriracha aioli, smashed avocado, romaine lettuce, grilled onion, tomato & jack cheese - on a ciabatta bun

Lauren got the ahi sliders, which are almost as delicious, but for realz, the turkey burger made me consider giving up regular cheeseburgers. For like a week at least. The sandys come with plantain chips, which at first sicked me out, because I thought they would taste like bananas, but they don't. They taste like potato chips and are scrumptious. Go to Dive now. Get a turkey burger (and some hummus w/ extra crispy crackers). You won't regret it.

AHI TUNA SLIDERS ^$13

Seared ahi tuna burger, arugula, avocado, tomato, red onion & garlic aioli on a ciabatta bun

Now for the good stuff... You know how in every People/US weekly they always have a celebrity expose what is in their purse. Well, since no one, ever, has asked what's in mine, I figure you all must be DYING to know. Please note: in order to give full disclosure, nothing was added or removed from my purse. Although I'm sure after this, I will wish it had.

What the Beast looks like from an overhead view.

Alright, here we go...

THE SHAMEEEEEEEEEE

-the usual suspects, keys, gum, eyeliner (for the occasional Madonna fake mole, not for eyes)

-orange iPod (hook 'em!)

-Parigi receipt (go there now)

-Hollywood tape

-Great American hero receipt

-mascara

-assorted jewlery, mostly only one half of an earring set

-5 Shockers (formerly Shock Tarts) rolls. You can NEVER have enough Shock Tarts. 

-Special K bar (cause a fatty gotta eat somethin gud)

-wallet
-generic adderall XR aka amphetimine salts (see, I'm not a Parkie who's into labels) 

-sunglasses case (would love to know where the sunglasses that go in it are)

-contact case (I'm blind)

-Flashlight (I'm secretly into being the female Inspector Gadget, I look fabulous in a beige trench-coat)

-And lastly, a spoon. Don't judge.

I know you're judging....

Until next time, peace, love, and shockers (y'all are all sick).

Caroline 

Murder Mystery Dinner, Minus the Murder

THANK YOU MR. F for the FABULOUS DINNER!!!

It’s not every day that you get an email from your friend’s dad asking you to go to dinner. So when I got the email from Mr. F that asked if I would accompany he and his work friend to dinner and follow up with a blog, there was no way I was turning this down….I knew it would be 1 of 2 things: 1—it would make a great blog, with moments of uncomfortable silence between me and the friend, or 2—It would be a great story to tell stranger and I’s children of how we met. It was the former. I kind of have a boyfriend(s).**

So, we (I) chose Meddlesome Moth. For two reasons: 1) it is less than 3 blocks from where I work, so it would be easily navigable after a pre-dinner cocktail, and 2) because I’ve been a few times and wanted to order everything on the menu, but hadn’t had the opportunity.

I met Claire there before the old folks arrived, and we had a few glasses of wine. MM is known for their beer, but this blog makes it pretty obvious that I’m a lady, so we all know that beer would be a no-go for me at dinner. (Beer at any other time of the day, after 8:30 am is acceptable, especially accompanied by Cheetos or a Kitkat).

Once Mr. F and the wifey got there, we sat down and waited for my surprise suitor. I was about to meet my mysterious match, oh the anticipation. Much to my chagrin, mystery guest/bday boy J brought his fiancé, L . WHAT-E-VER, there went my fat fairytale. Then came the best part, I heard the three magic words that every woman (girl) wants to hear: “ORDER ANYTHING, CAROLINE.” Hot damn, I was excited.

MM’s menu is basically a ton of apps, and a few plates that are for ordering solo. I am not down with people who don’t share, so I ordered mostly “shared plates”, consisting of the following: “The Hungry Farmer” (which would be my WWF Raw Wrestling name, and here is a cheese and meat plate), Stick Meats (meat on a stick, yummy what’s not to like?), Fried Hominy, Shrimp and Grits, baked brie, steak frites, zucchini chips, and a rabbit pot pie. So basically, I ordered low carb, low fat, low taste goodies. Psyche, this shiz was delicious and way too much (although we ate it all).

The whole dinner wasn’t awkward at all, in fact, I made some good foodie friends and got a lil tipsy while enjoying delicious food (oh, it was free also. Food ALWAYS tastes better when someone else is paying for it). I am accepting applications for people who would like to take me to dinner who aren’t related to me or dating me.

XOXO

GordoGirl

**I am not a monogamist. I have several boyfriends, though only one of my male loves is human. I also love flaming hot cheetos, cheese and crocatini crackers with salami, and any type of smoked or red meats (ahem, Christmas presents idiots).

www.mothinthe.net
Meddlesome Moth is on Oak Lawn, and I definitely want to try their brunch! I would give this 5/5 Chins... definitely go after work and stay until dinner!

Bonnell's = Food Boner

First if all, I'm writing this as i sit at a sonic. Listening to Nickleback.

Holy shit.I don't even know where to start. The location blows- it's in BFE but don't let that fool you. This place is amazing. Last night We were celebrating some fool's birthday so we wanted to try something new--bomb idea.

Going to dinner for special occasions is basically a hall pass to eat like you have no shame, and that we did. By the time we left, even my "one size fits all" undergarment was tight. (side note- hankie pankie, let's change it to "one size fits most unless your fatass deciders to gorge on steak(s)").

I tried to act like I hadn't a clue what was on the menu, but get real, I had two copies of the menu printed out--one at the office, one at home. I knew we wanted the app sampler with Texas Bruschetta, quail legs, and elk mini tacos...we decided to throw in a buffalo frog leg too. Why not?

I thought it was going to be a grossly fat app order, but it only came with one of each, so big girl was annoyed, but let it go. I ordered a peppered buffalo tenderloin that came with truffles frites (fancy rich people word for French fries), and craw ordered the elk Carne asada with beans and poblano and onion rings. Like most things in life, I WON. My meal came and in the words of my close friends, The lonely island boys, I j*zzed in my pants.(I feel like this is a really proud moment for my parents). So my side (the fries) came in a cup that was made out of waffle potato chips, that was resting on a bed of mashed potatoes. Thank god my dress was loose or else my food boner would have embarrassed everyone at the restaurant. We also decided we should probably get some sides (jalepeno goat Mac and cheese and creamed spinach). I would skip the sides next time and go straight to pound town with the meat and potatoes. Oh ya, the meal came with a cornbread pancake. I was not complaining. I will post pics and more Deets on Monday, but Bonnell's gets 5/5 chins for sure.

Revised opinion on pizza (and Bengal Cats)

I know I stated that Pizza by Marco (and Bengal cats) were the shiz a while back chiggity check it out, but I have officially changed my mind (only on the Pizza by Marco part though). Last night, me and my fellow chunky chump tried Il Cane Rosso in Deep Ellum. Normally I don't venture out into these parts--a pretty gal like me shouldn't be meandering in the dark alleys that compose this area o' town. (I actually have never been to Deep Ellum/West End unless I was eating at Spaghetti Warehouse, so don't take my work on this description).

KP my BFF

Mrs. Trunchbull

Anyways...we were able to snag a parking spot outside of Twisted Root (right across the street) at a parking meter, and KP had 37$ in nickles, so we managed to book about 3.5 hrs on the meter, just in case. We got seated immediately (it was only 6:30), and the menu anxiety started. Not only are there a million options, but KP was sitting in a booth that was 8 inches above my seat, so I was somewhat terrified of the BFG that I would be sharing a meal with. Turns out, we are an excellent pair--I am sweet and nice like Ms. Honey and she is strong and domineering like Mrs. Trunchbull (whatup Matilda throwback).

We decided on the Misto salad (simple mixed greens w/ balsamic vinaigrette). The waitress told us a salad and ONE pizza would be PLENTY, so naturally my fat ass orders a salad and two pizzas, and a bottle of vino. We got the Luana (2 meats, shrooms and basil) and the prosciutto and arugula pizza. Both were delicious...surprisingly I liked the one with LESS MEAT better, who am I? So we weren't all that embarrassed that we almost dominated both pizza's until four boys from college/high school walked in and caught us. There is nothing more shameful than two fatties getting caught in the act (we even ate more after they walked away.)

Luana w/ capicola, jimmy's sausage, basil and shrooms

Prosciutto and Arugula

So, back to Bengals. I know I said Pizza by Marco and Bengal cats are the shit, but I lied. Bengal cats and cane rosso are the shit. I want to die and come back as a brick in their pizza oven (partially b/c the food is so legit, but also, think about how many toppings, aka meat, drop onto the bricks...) My ultimate fantasy would be to eat some Cane Rosso 'Za in my bed, with my Bengal cat next to me and Matilda playing on repeat on TBS.

The pizza is legit, the service is great. I would totally recommend it to anyone. If anyone wants to try and be my friend, woo me, or be on the blog, I DARE you to find a better restaurant than this.

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And yes, I did google "Fat Person in a Scooter" to find this.

July = Sandwich Challenge

I've decided that for July I will challenge myself to eat a different sandwich everyday. Soooooooooooooooooo I need everyone's suggestions for delicious sandwich recommendations in Dallas and in Fort Worth. I will also be going to Austin/Horseshoe Bay/New York City, so throw those in there to. Either post something on here, email me shufordc@gmail.com, or @cshuford1. Can't wait not to lose weight in July!

Here are a few pics of the grub from Vegas to hold you over til July 1st

Light Tomohawk Ribeye from Union @ Aria

Just a few sides for a mid-day burger bash

Mom's sliders--she totally won, I won't even show my half devoured bacon CB

Seafood Tower and Ribeye...

The following are a few libations...

The World's BEST martini from Union--Cucumber infused vodka

Followed by the world's WORST martini--vokda martini, up, splash of grapefruit. I think the hobag at LAVO who took my order thought I said an Absynthe martini, b/c this tasted like licorice trash

Delicious one from Olive's, no clue what it had in it. Also tried to be artsy with the photo...FAIL

Champagne, Strawberry and Vodka = Hangover before dinner

Solo shot of the cucumber martini

Cadallac Marg at Union

I might have a drinking problem.

But for real, please send sandy suggestions, or I will start doing a martini a day instead.

BTW--I may be totally different personality wise from my mom and sis, but we are all made the same...See Below.

PS...MC, I don't really have a ferret named Shrek. It was just too easy...

Malai!

My badass little sis is the hostess at the new Thai place in West Village, Malai Kitchen. This place is the shit! For realz, not only is the food delish, but the hostess is a little cutie and they have great drinks...I will post more later, but just wanted everyone to know to go there...They are having brunch now, including items such as Vietnamese French Toast with tamarind maple syrup, Thai style Eggs Benedict on an flaky coconut biscuit, and the hangover cure-all Vietnamese Beef Noodle Soup (Pho Bo, a breakfast dish in Vietnam).  There are some pics below... Oh ya, and they have 25 cent mimosas...so all you alchy's who like Thai food and fruity breakfast cocktails---invade their patio!

Fat Girl Fantasies...

This weekend I am fulfilling every fat kids dream. Everyone one of my meals has already been planned for me, and I can't change any of them because they all have reservations.

Tonight, I will be celebrating my roomie's bday at

Where I will most likely get...

Grown up grilled cheese

Then, on Saturday, before the Derby party, I will join a group at

17 Frozen Sfuzzi's, a slice of 'ZA and a handful of Xanex Zantac

Then, after the party, when either my boyfriend's dad, a taxi or the cops pick me up, I will make my way to a fam din at...

Where I will most likely vomit then hop back on the saddle and order me something light, say...

Trece's Lobster Nachos

Hopefully my fat ass doesn't pass out or vomit at the table. Although last fam din I had there was vomiting, so Abby, thanks for setting the standard.

On Sunday, when I wake up wishing I was dead, I will have to put on a happy face, and probably a bra and some plus sized panties, and make my way to a mother's day brunch at the light and casual neighborhood joint known as...

Where I will get the same thing I always get...

Tuna Tartar, hold the mangos--mangos are for fatties (don't even say it..)

I will then go home, pass out, and try and pull myself out of bed and try and make it to my 3:30 class at

Where I will inevitably be the only one who reeks of vodka and they will prob assume I'm preggo b/c of my puffiness/largeness. F it, I'm not going.

THENNNNNNNNNNNNN
I will join a mother's day dinner at another low-cal spot,

Where I will most likely end my meal a little drunk and a lot heavier. And looking something like this...

For all you idiots, this is Fat Albert...